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my blog, late as usual

she left, and i'm lonely.
i felt better before i knew she was coming, and now that she's gone i wish she had never come at all. it's worse having had and than not than to have never had at all. ignorance is bliss, and the act of losing more than nullifies the experience of having had.
knowing for so long that she was coming gave me so much time to create a reasonable paradise. a walk, a cup of coffee, a movie, a hike, an exhibit, another movie, a sit in, a couple talks. a night spent together, some rubs, a hug. these are things she'll like, i said. but relating my plan to her ruined it. losing my cool. never had a cool to lose, but losing the opportunity to be cool at the most important time has always been my specialty. "i want to do all these things with you, and we can, but we have to plan them out." should've known better. i claim to have her figured out, but i forget the most obvious rule: don't set any parameters.

the relationship was built in a setting that had a complete lack of parameters, and that love was destroyed when the parameters crept in. should've known better than to try again and again to make this love work. so many evasive answers to questions i wasn't sure i should be asking. "is it within my bounds to ask this?" "by asking this, what am i assuming?" what's the real underlying cause, the common thread? is it the parameters, the control she feels i'm reaching for when i say i want to share a list of experiences with her? if i propose a plan to offer her this, she gets defensive sensing i want to control her. i don't. i want to make her feel free.

i want to give her everything she wants, all the time... well, except for when the playoffs are on. but i want to be on tap for her, at a moments notice. does she even care about such an offering? is my assessment of this clear? should i second guess myself and see my actions for what they are: reaching for control. perhaps.

so many times she gives me the benefit of the doubt, except in this case. this is the one case where i need the benefit of the doubt. i've learned to live with other's assumptions on my intent/abilities, but the one i've let in closest to me has got to respect me in this one area. respect my intent. doubt my ability, doubt my intelligence, doubt my discipline, but don't doubt my intent.

and in this one place, an intimate relationship, that might be the most powerful thing. to trust the heart of the one you love.